New additions....

This past Friday 10/23 Cugli and I welcomed a beautiful little girl into our family. Just like her sister, she made quite an entrance, at 9 lbs. 11 oz., and 20 inches long. Despite her being a sizeable baby, the delivery was perfect.

We went into the hospital for our 5 am appointment, however if I were to be completely honest we were about 15 minutes late. (C'mon people 5 am?) They started pitocin at about 5 :45. I was already dilated to 5cm so the hospital was very quick about getting me my epidural. I fell asleep, and didn't wake up, except for vital check ins by our nurse, until I started to feel some change in pressure at about 10:45. I told the nurse about the change, and she checked our progress. I was ready to push. They paged the doctor, and allowed me to start pushing. I pushed 3 times and they told me to stop be ause the baby was going to deliver before the doctor got there. Just then the doctor walked in, got in his gear, I pushed 2 more times, and she was out at 11:14 am. I am seriously considering a career as a Duggar, because it is apparent I am built for this. My mom keeps making smart remarks about delivering in rice patties and such.

The baby looks just like her Mamma did. She sort of resembles an elderly asian man, and we think she is gorgeous. Her big sister, is excited, but I can tell she is still sort of figuring out her place. She is very much a mommy's girl right now, and she is all about the, "mommy, watch", "mommy did you see me..." I am struggeling a little with this. I love both my children so much I can't stand it, but there is a small part of me, saying what did I do to her, that she now feels like she has to fight for attention in her own home. Home should feel safe and stable, but hers has been disrupted by a choice Cugli and I made for her. I know this probably sounds rediculous. I guess we all have to adjust to our new family dynamic.

Tonight, and every night for that matter, I am praying for guidance and reassurance. Any advice would be greatly welcomed. Prayers are even better.

We moved back in with the rents...

As promised, I am finding myself with more than enough time to blog now that things are winding down at work, and lets face it, with a baby coming tomorrow I could use the distraction. So I will continue my blog from yesterday and elaborate a little bit on our seemingly pathetic housing situation. It is true, we have moved back in with my parents. I never in a million years expected to see myself doing this, but honestly, it is not as bad as it may seem.

We made the decision after taking Financial Peace University, that we wanted to sort of recession proof our families finances. Especially having made the decision for me to cut back on my end of our income. So according to this class we took, the best thing to do is to:

1. Establish a $1000 emergency fund
2. Pay off all your debts

Believe it or not step 1 was relatively easy to accomplish. We had that completed in just a few weeks. The next step however has been the difficult one. We were not in that much debt, but enough that this step has been immensely tiring. We are ready to move on to the next...to start building wealth...and to stop waiting to get into a new house! SO we made the decision to try to sell our humble abode in this horrible economy, and downsize to a rental on a temporary basis in order to finish paying off our debt.

Little did we know, the economy was a little worse than we had bargained for. All the realtors we spoke with insisted that we would have to take a rather large loss on our home in order to get it sold. So in light of that information we started preparation to rent it. With in two weeks of making this decision we found a renter in our church, who was a perfect fit. The only catch was that she needed the house in 2 weeks. So the frantic packing and decision making began. My parents were kind enough to offer their finished basement as an option for us to move into rent free while we figured everything out. That's right folks....I said rent free.

And so, the decision was made. We moved into my parents house, and somewhat settled in. I say somewhat because as soon as we got there, they made the decision to put in hardwood floors, and renovate their kitchen, so we are as settled as you can call living in a construction zone. But again, it is rent free, and my mom does all my laundry, so at the end of the day, and with baby # 2 coming we think this will work out just fine for us.

Again, I know it sounds pathetic moving back in with good ol Mom and Dad, but it will be nice to have the help, and it is nice to not have any payments. We are on track to be completely debt free by January 1, 2010 speeding up the process by approx. a year. At that point we will start looking for the perfect next landing place for our little family.

Here we go again....

I know I keep committing to post more regularly with every new event in my life, but it is blatantly obvious by now that is never going to happen. The best I can do is to update the interweb for the sake of remembering big events for the Cugli Clan.

Since I have last posted, we have had some huge changes in our lives. No, the drooling is unfortunately not one of them. I am going to briefly recap everything that is going on and hopefully elaborate on each item further at a later date.

1. We are living with my parents. - Long story short, we found a renter VERY quickly and had to make a decision to get out of our house within 2 weeks. We landed at my parents house, for what started as a VERY temporary solution, but now with the baby coming, it just seems nice to be settled somewhere for a few months.

2. We have a new baby on the way! I posted about this previously, but now we really have a baby on the way. This Friday ( 10/23) is my induction date. We are having another little girl, and we have yet to solidly name her. It is amazing how with my first pregnancy, I labored over every tiny detail. This time around, I have been so busy with Sugar Bean, I can't keep my head strait. I keep telling myself not to worry because I will have a lifetime to dote on her. This 9 months is simply not it.

3. I am working again. I now am a "full time" administrative assistant at our home church. I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!! It is a rare thing when you can walk in every morning to someone telling you what a blessing you are. I feel needed here, and I appreciate that feeling so much. It is not like one day they are going to wake up and decide that me and my skills are obsolete. I may be doing the tiny support work, but it feels like so much more. Here it feels like every little contribution makes a big difference in peoples lives, and in their eternity. I was originally hoping for something part time as you might remember, but this is very flexible and most weeks I only work about 30 hours anyhow.

4. Sugar Bean switched day cares. She now goes to Miss Tracy's house to play on a daily basis and gets all the hugs and kisses she can handle. Tracy is a member of the church, who has 3 kids of her own, and was looking to make a little extra money. Her oldest daughter is in school all week, her middle daughter just started preschool 2 days a week, and her son is a year and a half older than Bean. She also keeps our youth pastors baby, Finley, and on occasion our staff assistants little boy Jude. Sugar Bean is the only girl 3 days a week and she rules the roost. She is not a pushy child, but she certainly has presence.

I think that is enough updating for now. In the next few days I am sure I will be looking for things to do to pass the time, so I will blog. I guess to sum it all up, life is a little unsettled and unorthodox for us right now. We are definitely in a time of transition, and we are appreciating every moment and lesson in it all. We love our life, our Sugar Bean, our little Sprout, and our God. So I guess things could not be more perfect.

The drool.

If you have ever met me you probably have noticed a small obsession I have. No, no, not loosing weight. Baby Clothes! I am the type of mom that scours the sales at high priced baby boutiques and thrives on the liquidation sales, no not to make sure I get the best deals (though that is a nice little perk) I do this to make sure I get something incredibly unique and don't pay a fortune to ensure my daughters fashionista status. I am that ridiculous mother who will wear the same black pants to church every week I appear on stage just to make sure Sugar Bean has that bargain basement priced Ralph Lauren Tartan Christmas dress. I know I am rediculous, but it has become a hobby. I make bows and employ crafty friends to assist me when needed. but there is one thing that I absolutely cannot figure out how to over come. THE DROOL! I use to blame it on teething, but the child even has her one year molars. There is genuinely no excuse. I have googled this so many times I can't even tell you. The only advice I found other than wait it out is to teach her to drink from a straw. Well guess what. She has been drinking from a straw since she has used a sippy...still no luck. ALL of her dresses have a nice little ring of slobber all over the collars. We also have an unmatched supply of bibs. I am starting to think she wants to keep the bibs to spite me. "Haha Mom...you want me to ear this outfit with lime green pants, just try and find a bib to match!" Of all things to be complaining about, I am sooooo glad this is it, but really Bean, lets control our spit before mommy loses it.

Moving up.

Today was much easier than I thought it would be. Sugar Bean finally moved to the toddler room at daycare. This weekend we had to go pick out a blanket for her to use on her cot at nap time. Because, apparently, she is big enough now to not need a crib. So we picked out a Dora blanket and pillow for her to take. She was so proud of the blanket she was showing everyone as we walked into the center.

Normally when we get there I would sign her into the baby room on the first sheet in the row, but not today. Her name was on the second sheet now. So I signed her in and walked her into the big kid room. Normally she would be handed to a teacher so that someone held her as I walked out. But not today. I stood her at the table of puppets with all the other kids and she immersed herself in inspecting all the animals. She barely noticed I even walked out except to give me a huge happy grin. I had resolved not to hug and kiss on her before I left, because I didn't want to make it harder on both of us. She was so well adjusted I realized she didn't need it anyhow.

She looks so tiny among all the other kids. I was so proud of her. She stood there and got right into the mix. Not a bit intimidated by her new surroundings. She had a look on her face like she had no idea how tiny she looked. She was confident that she is a big girl now and this is where she belongs. I can't believe I didn't burst into tears right then. I was just so proud of my tiny little "big girl". She is amazing.

Sitting here recounting the whole experience I can't keep the tears back completely. I am saddened that she is no longer a baby, but at the same time I am so excited to see what this knew challenge teaches her. She needed the move, it was so apparent that she belonged there. My cup runneth over.

I did it.

I still can't even believe I am writing this. After months and months of deliberating about what the best choice for our family is, we finally have come to a conclusion.

Yesterday I submitted my two weeks notice to a company I have worked for and loved (until the last 6 months) for 4 years. I was surprised at how much peace I felt. I thought there would be tears shed, and it would be difficult to get out, but when it was all said and done I knew this was God's plan for my family.

I wish I could say that I had solid plans, but I don't. I know that i have a very strong job prospect starting in June, for part time work. If the job in June falls through I am pretty much set that I am going to go back to school and finish out my education degree. Of course, I say all this now, but who knows what will actually end up happening. I like that feeling a lot more than I ever imagined I would. Knowing that there will come a morning very soon where Sugar Bean and I will get up together at 8 and just piddle around the house or the park.

I miss her so desperately. I think this will give me the best of both worlds. I will get to work or go to school part time and get out of the house, but then I will get more time in my day with my beautiful little girl. I feel so blessed today I can harly contain my excitement. Money will be tight, and out living quarters will get a little tighter, but at the end of the day, this is where I should be.

Big Day!

Sugar Bean turned 1!

That is right my worst fears have come true. My baby girl is a whole year old. Cugli and I took the day off and we all went to the zoo. The weather was beautiful, and it was an incredible day. Sugar Bean had a little bit of a tough time differentiating between all the animals. Her new favorite words are Bye Bye and Puppy, so every single animal we saw, from Elephants to Emus were all puppies according to our big girl. It was really cute.

After the zoo we all went over to Nanny's house, and had some dinner and cake. We were all so excited to see her tear into her own personal cake, but in true Sugar Bean style, she made Daddy mush it first. She HATED having the cake on her hands and would make mommy wipe her off after every bite. It is nice that she is neat, but c'mon it's your birthday kid! Live a little! Here are a few photos of our cake experience.

Not quite sure what to do.

Now I have it!
Here Dad some.
I cannot handle this stuff on my hands!
Ahhhhh...Squeeky Clean!

Happy Birthday Beautiful Baby. Mommy loves you sooooo much!

Carbs

I am definitely pregnant again and all that apparently goes with it. My doctor called and said that my sugar is pretty elevated and that I will need to start testing several times a day again. I am thankful that is all that is wrong. Trust me, with as many things that call could have been about I am perfectly happy to poke my finger 4-5 times a day. But it just seems cruel. A pregnant woman not allowed to consume carbs. What is that?!

I am concerned all the stress with my job is taking its tole on my body. I have never had so many colds in my life, and the last time I went down the gestational diabetes road my sugar levels hovered around 100, which is a little high, but not crazy. This time, I am on the diet and I can't get it below 150. It is pretty well known that stress can cause this, but what am I suppose to do. Go on insulin just so that I can stay in a job I hate. I am going to talk to one of our supervisors today and see what we can do. Pray a little prayer for me. That everything goes well, and we can work something out.

So Big...

Last night Sugar Bean was sitting in her high chair and I was just watching my happy little baby as her feet swung back and forth. All of the sudden it hit me.....Her feet were touching the chair seat underneath her booster. Her long legs kicked and her feet tapped the chair. What happened to my tiny baby. She looked so big sitting there. Almost like........A TODDLER! (shudder). She also has started showing off at day care and standing completely unassisted. I don't think I can handle it. She seems to be growing up faster and faster. Didn't they say that development SLOWS as they get older?

She will be a year old on March the 16th. I absolutely cannot believe it has almost been a year since she joined our little family. I can remember the day I found out we were expecting her like it was yesterday. How grateful I was, how scared I still am every day wondering if I am making good choices for her. She is such a good baby. she sleeps incredibly well, she has an amazing temperament, everyone tells us how well behaved she is. I can't take even a little credit for any of it. She is just a blessing through and through.

I am torn between the baby I want to keep and the child I can't wait to experience. I think for now, at least as long as she is wearing footed jammies, and needs cuddles with her night time bottle, I will cling to my baby and take in every last minute. The clock is deffinitely ticking.

Rest....

as I previously mentioned, it has been an interesting week to say the least. I have shed a lot of tears, and by a lot, I mean more than the average person should. I admittedly am a crier though, so it has not been that shocking to Cugli. You know...the hormones and all.

Last night, while my hubby was at work, I snuggled into our bed and I just poured it out. I talked God's ear off. There is not a person I have encountered that did not get a little prayer intervention last night. I weeped, I shared, and I couldn't sleep until it was all out.

When I realized what time it was, Cugli was snuggling in next to me with his long arms around me as tightly as he could get them. He smelled of work and deodorant (his half hearted attempt at cleaning up before he gets into bed). He kissed the nape of my neck and stroked my hair as he fell asleep.

I felt like God just reached right out of heaven and wrapped his love around me in the form of my big warm man. I felt like it was God telling me..."rest. I will take it from here." So I did.

Heck of a week.......

To start out this week seemed great. Monday my office was closed and I got to spend the entire day with Cugli and SugarBean. We had a blast. Then Tuesday it began.

I started having some serious heart burn over the weekend which is incredibly rare for me. I didn't really think anything about it until Tuesday when I went home for lunch. I was standing in the kitchen and that acid was so bad I thought I might be sick, so I headed into the bathroom where I saw it. It had been there for a little while, but it was staring me in the face today. For some reason I noticed it in the cabinet, when I normally would have just pushed it aside in my mad dash for Pepcid Complete. It dawned on me that the last time I had heart burn I was pregnant with SugarBean. I thought, what the heck, the darn thing probably won't even work.

But it did.

I came back 2 minutes later to find two not one, but two pink lines. Yes, you guessed it. The test said pregnant. I am having a hard time saying it even now. But all 13 tests after that one agreed. I am infact pregnant.

We had planned to start trying for another baby at the end of this year. SugarBean took us 10 months to conceive, so we figured she would be well past two when the next baby arrived. Not so much. You see since it took us so long the first time, we were ... not as careful as we obviously should have been, but were were not careless by any means. I know tmi.

I am still so stunned it doesn't even sound right coming out of my mouth or even out on the web. I am in shock.

Then to add insult to injury our company laid off 30 employees today. Nothing like a secure job when you are apparently 4 weeks pregnant.

I go for bloodwork today, so wish me luck, Also, say a prayer for my friends that lost their livelyhoods today. They need it.

He hears me when I call.

So, I am a big fat whiner, but my God hears me even when I am being ridiculous. As mentioned in my last post, I am seriously struggling lately with the desire to stay home, the financial repercussions of that choice, and a job and house I hate. I posted my lament simply to get it off my chest. I didn't care if it made sense to anyone, I just needed to sort of talk it out.

The morning after I posted, an amazing thing happened. It started snowing. There is something refreshing about snow. The crisp air, the white ground. I love it. I am one of those crazies who loves it so much that I don't just want a little snow......I prefer blizzard like conditions. Lets just say, God provides. Not only did he offer me this beautiful sense of peace, I got two days home with my greatest gift ever. Sugar Bean.

We played and napped, and laid around our tiny house in our jammies. It was amazing how the house didn't feel as small as it usually does, or as dangerous as it has to me lately. It felt cozy, and comfortable. The whole two days felt so perfect. They felt like exactly what I needed.

I came back to work yesterday terrified of what I would find on my desk. I will admit, it was as bad as I thought it would be, but so much more manageable than it felt on Monday. I still cannot manage to get everything done that I need to. I still feel like a failure at work(not that this is anything new). But I now see the point.

I am working to make sure that my precious little gift is taken care of. I am blessed to ahve a job, though it may feel like a curse at times. We are lucky to own our home, even if it is in an interesting location. I talked it over with Cugli and we have a two year plan. I am going to remain working for 2 years and in that time we should be able to move, and hopefully expand our family. 2 years still feels like a long time, but at least it is finite. We have a plan.

I guess the mroal of the story is, even when I am being a big whiney baby, my God hears me. He knows my heart. He knows my desires and appreciations, even when I am not quite sure how to voice them. Though God is so great, he can be small enough to hear me.

Stuck...

Lately in my life I am fighting a terrible feeling. I wake up in the morning, go to work or to church, come home and life goes on. I want to preface all this with the fact that I am completely head over heals in love with my husband and daughter. They are truly the light in my world, but right now I feel like there is just not enough light in my day.

As I write this I am struggeling with immense guilt because I am completely aware of how blessed I am. I have a beautiful family that loves me, a job that is close to home, and a house to come home to, but I feel like I am just not moving forward.

In my job I literally walk in the door every single day just wondering what mistake I have made that will cause me grief. I sit down at my desk and fear my phone messages and emails. I have never felt this way before and I have no idea what to do about it. I would not call myself an over achiever in any way, but I try my absolute hardest to do a good job in anything I do. I just can't do this. I don't know if I am ill prepared, incompetent, or simply set up to fail, but I know deep down, I cannot do this job. There is no way to achieve success here. I have taken my concerns to the appropriate people, and still, I cannot do this job.

I am beginning to look much more deeply into WHY I can't get it . Maybe it is for the previously listed reasons, but maybe I just don't want to do it anymore. Cugli has a great job with good benifits, and at the end of the day I just want to be at home with my daughter. I want it so badly that I am tearing up just writing this. I would quit tomorrow, except I feel like I am being selfish.

We live currently in a VERY small 900 sq.ft. house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. The house was fine when it was just Cugli and I, but now it seems so small and I am starting more and more to notice issues with our neighborhoood. Like those very nice people who live next door in a PINK house, or the fact that late at night I can hear the base booming from a car 3 streets over, and the men walking up my street late at night with vcr's under their arms . This neighborhood never use to feel so unsafe. But now that I feel stuck I feel like things are falling apart around me.

I know that if I were to quit I would be delaying my family in our moving efforts SUBSTANTIALLY.

SO what do I do. Do I continue going to work at a job I hate, when my heart is at home with SugarBean, or do I keep doing what I am doing and remain miserable until we can afford a new house in a safer neighborhood for her.

I know I am being immensely selfish, but I just can't shake the depression. No matter what I do, or what choice I make I am facing another 2 years of misery at least. I just want someone to swoop in and make the choice for me. I wish my company would just take the step and lay me off. Because, as it stands I am slipping furthier and further into this emotional, sad place that I can't see a way out of.

I know I need to just suck it up or get some serious meds. Today has just been another day, stuck in the same limbo. I had to jsut get it out.