Why do I do these things to myself?

Today the company I work for hosted a wellness screening for anyone who would like to participate. Of course being the weight obsessed moron that I am I decided it would be a great idea to find out information about myself such as my blood sugar, bone density, cholesterol, and waist circumference. That's right...they measured my waist circumference, which is an experience I refuse to revisit. The one slightly relieving piece of information I received was that I have incredibly healthy and dense bones. I am one big boned girl. which made me feel a little better about the fact that I am freakin huge. I guess the information, though rough to take, slightly motivates me. I am motivated now more than ever to quit the cheating on my diet.

As I have mentioned I am currently on Nutrisystem, and I am in a 5k training program. The diet has been working for me though it does have its down sides. I signed up while they were running a special, and got 5 weeks for the price of 4 which was around $300 in total. pricey I know, but they supposedly give you all your food for 3 meals a day plus a desert and a snack. which when added up is actually around the same price I would be paying to feed myself anyway, but the price is a little hard to stomach all up front.

They shipped the food to me really quickly, and it is all non refrigerated which is nice for storage purposes. everything is pre-proportioned and the portions are relatively small. What I didn't realize when I opened up my huge box o food, was that I also have to add certain items to the food they provide. The idea is that they want you to be eating very small amounts all day long. So, at every breakfast I have to add a fruit and a dairy, and at every lunch and dinner I have to add a small salad, a fruit, and a dairy. Which all together is a lot of food, but it is an expensive way to do it.

It sounds funny, but I feel like I have regained the feeling of hungry apparently while I was busy gaining, I grazed on by hungry and just ate all the time. I feel like I am now beginning to understand when my body needs food as appose to when I am bored and just think I need something to eat. For me food is not a life source it is more like nicotine. I just want it because I do, it is as simple as that. With this diet I feel like I am learning slowly to use what I am eating as energy not a fix.

One thing that really hit me hard was a commercial I saw not too long ago. There was this woman who had lost around 100 lbs. and she said it was all about the portion sizes. She apparently has a relatively large husband, as do I, and she said it never hit her that the reason she weighed so much is because she was eating as much as these large men would and then wondering why she put weight on her much smaller frame. My husband is 6'6" and it did not hit me until that very moment that there was my problem. I was eating enough for a person almost a foot taller that I am, and then I was baffled at the fact that I weighed as much as he did. That change in mindset was sort of a light bulb moment for me.

Well I am off to my jog/skip. Ugh!

The Diet

So I will start out by saying that I am on a perma-diet or as my husband likes to call it a "lifetime eating plan" but that is a load of crap. I feel constantly like my weight is an uphill battle.

I was cute and thin in high school and then I got married and subsequently gained about 100 lbs. Can you even believe that!? I blame it on my husband. If he weren't so sweet and accepting of me I might have taken a much harder look in the mirror and maybe would have noticed the second chin developing. Which brings me to a similar thought. How in the heck did I not notice!

I swear to you it was like one minute I was a size 8-10 and the next I am shopping for 20's. It completely snuck up on me. I am not sure if I just went on a rampage after the wedding diet had ended, or what, but it is like I had reverse anorexia. I didn't see it until I SAW it in big bold stretch marks across my abdomen. As if getting fat weren't bad enough I have to have this permanent reminder that I completely let myself go.

So anyway back to the diet...

I am currently doing Nutrisystems and for any of you out there starting a diet I really like it (except for the hefty price tag). I always feel like I am getting enough food, and I feel like I am getting a big lesson in portion sizes and veggies. I tried weight watchers, which is a similar idea, but I had the issue of eating A LOT of foods that were okay for me, and then falling off the band wagon all together. I am finding out that when given the opportunity to take 6 pieces of pizza I absolutely will, but if I am given a pre-portioned cracker pizza I for some reason won't go for another. Thank God!

Also included in this diet I have decided to start training for a 5k run with my boss. It feels easier to stick with it since we work together and it isn't like I can tell her I am not available. She sits right next to me.

So our crazy asses set out to try this training program. We are suppose to run for 60 seconds and then walk for 90. When Boss Lady first asked me if I would go with her I thought "that sounds great"..."Anyone can run for only 60 seconds". Well let me tell you sister not everyone can run for 60 seconds, and it is DEFINITELY NOT GREAT. The first 60 second jog is not bad, then you get to walk for 90 seconds, which sitting home watching tv sounded like a long time, but after 90 seconds of walking I was still breathing so hard I thought I might actually die. Then I am suppose to run again. To hell with that.

So I walked a good portion of our first two training sessions, but as the saying goes, every time gets a little easier. We have been twice and the second time I did not feel the urge to vomit up my nutri-stew so I would say that is progress. This program is suppose to take 9 weeks. I am thinking I might be on the 9 month plan, but we will see.

To all you out there fighting the fight with me, I salute you. And to anyone located in a mile radius of my office, if you see a chunky chick who is red faced, with her shorts creeping up in the crotch and making a good effort to sort of jog/skip down the road, please have mercy on me and pick my ass up!

Here We Go!

I am pretty excited to announce that I am officially moving to blogger. I have at Xanga for a while now and I just can't figure that frigging thing out. I mean it appears to be easy to use, but it is deceiving. I decided today that I have enough crazy crap going on in my life and I am moving on. We will see how this goes. I was inspired by two of my favorite blogs mom-o-matic and oh the joys

These two ladies are some crazy mamma's and I like it! I tis about time there are some people out there willing to admit that some things in life are hard and rather that casting stones, they are all about struggling through with a laugh and a prayer, which is completely how I roll.

I hope to be a similar presence out here in the blogosphere. I am all about living and learning, and I make no bones about the fact that I am and will always be a work in progress.

I think that is it for now. I am going to now publish this so my husband can have a huge chuckle out of the fact that I said bones. You gotta love a man that easily entertained.