He hears me when I call.

So, I am a big fat whiner, but my God hears me even when I am being ridiculous. As mentioned in my last post, I am seriously struggling lately with the desire to stay home, the financial repercussions of that choice, and a job and house I hate. I posted my lament simply to get it off my chest. I didn't care if it made sense to anyone, I just needed to sort of talk it out.

The morning after I posted, an amazing thing happened. It started snowing. There is something refreshing about snow. The crisp air, the white ground. I love it. I am one of those crazies who loves it so much that I don't just want a little snow......I prefer blizzard like conditions. Lets just say, God provides. Not only did he offer me this beautiful sense of peace, I got two days home with my greatest gift ever. Sugar Bean.

We played and napped, and laid around our tiny house in our jammies. It was amazing how the house didn't feel as small as it usually does, or as dangerous as it has to me lately. It felt cozy, and comfortable. The whole two days felt so perfect. They felt like exactly what I needed.

I came back to work yesterday terrified of what I would find on my desk. I will admit, it was as bad as I thought it would be, but so much more manageable than it felt on Monday. I still cannot manage to get everything done that I need to. I still feel like a failure at work(not that this is anything new). But I now see the point.

I am working to make sure that my precious little gift is taken care of. I am blessed to ahve a job, though it may feel like a curse at times. We are lucky to own our home, even if it is in an interesting location. I talked it over with Cugli and we have a two year plan. I am going to remain working for 2 years and in that time we should be able to move, and hopefully expand our family. 2 years still feels like a long time, but at least it is finite. We have a plan.

I guess the mroal of the story is, even when I am being a big whiney baby, my God hears me. He knows my heart. He knows my desires and appreciations, even when I am not quite sure how to voice them. Though God is so great, he can be small enough to hear me.

Stuck...

Lately in my life I am fighting a terrible feeling. I wake up in the morning, go to work or to church, come home and life goes on. I want to preface all this with the fact that I am completely head over heals in love with my husband and daughter. They are truly the light in my world, but right now I feel like there is just not enough light in my day.

As I write this I am struggeling with immense guilt because I am completely aware of how blessed I am. I have a beautiful family that loves me, a job that is close to home, and a house to come home to, but I feel like I am just not moving forward.

In my job I literally walk in the door every single day just wondering what mistake I have made that will cause me grief. I sit down at my desk and fear my phone messages and emails. I have never felt this way before and I have no idea what to do about it. I would not call myself an over achiever in any way, but I try my absolute hardest to do a good job in anything I do. I just can't do this. I don't know if I am ill prepared, incompetent, or simply set up to fail, but I know deep down, I cannot do this job. There is no way to achieve success here. I have taken my concerns to the appropriate people, and still, I cannot do this job.

I am beginning to look much more deeply into WHY I can't get it . Maybe it is for the previously listed reasons, but maybe I just don't want to do it anymore. Cugli has a great job with good benifits, and at the end of the day I just want to be at home with my daughter. I want it so badly that I am tearing up just writing this. I would quit tomorrow, except I feel like I am being selfish.

We live currently in a VERY small 900 sq.ft. house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. The house was fine when it was just Cugli and I, but now it seems so small and I am starting more and more to notice issues with our neighborhoood. Like those very nice people who live next door in a PINK house, or the fact that late at night I can hear the base booming from a car 3 streets over, and the men walking up my street late at night with vcr's under their arms . This neighborhood never use to feel so unsafe. But now that I feel stuck I feel like things are falling apart around me.

I know that if I were to quit I would be delaying my family in our moving efforts SUBSTANTIALLY.

SO what do I do. Do I continue going to work at a job I hate, when my heart is at home with SugarBean, or do I keep doing what I am doing and remain miserable until we can afford a new house in a safer neighborhood for her.

I know I am being immensely selfish, but I just can't shake the depression. No matter what I do, or what choice I make I am facing another 2 years of misery at least. I just want someone to swoop in and make the choice for me. I wish my company would just take the step and lay me off. Because, as it stands I am slipping furthier and further into this emotional, sad place that I can't see a way out of.

I know I need to just suck it up or get some serious meds. Today has just been another day, stuck in the same limbo. I had to jsut get it out.