Big Day!

Sugar Bean turned 1!

That is right my worst fears have come true. My baby girl is a whole year old. Cugli and I took the day off and we all went to the zoo. The weather was beautiful, and it was an incredible day. Sugar Bean had a little bit of a tough time differentiating between all the animals. Her new favorite words are Bye Bye and Puppy, so every single animal we saw, from Elephants to Emus were all puppies according to our big girl. It was really cute.

After the zoo we all went over to Nanny's house, and had some dinner and cake. We were all so excited to see her tear into her own personal cake, but in true Sugar Bean style, she made Daddy mush it first. She HATED having the cake on her hands and would make mommy wipe her off after every bite. It is nice that she is neat, but c'mon it's your birthday kid! Live a little! Here are a few photos of our cake experience.

Not quite sure what to do.

Now I have it!
Here Dad some.
I cannot handle this stuff on my hands!
Ahhhhh...Squeeky Clean!

Happy Birthday Beautiful Baby. Mommy loves you sooooo much!

Carbs

I am definitely pregnant again and all that apparently goes with it. My doctor called and said that my sugar is pretty elevated and that I will need to start testing several times a day again. I am thankful that is all that is wrong. Trust me, with as many things that call could have been about I am perfectly happy to poke my finger 4-5 times a day. But it just seems cruel. A pregnant woman not allowed to consume carbs. What is that?!

I am concerned all the stress with my job is taking its tole on my body. I have never had so many colds in my life, and the last time I went down the gestational diabetes road my sugar levels hovered around 100, which is a little high, but not crazy. This time, I am on the diet and I can't get it below 150. It is pretty well known that stress can cause this, but what am I suppose to do. Go on insulin just so that I can stay in a job I hate. I am going to talk to one of our supervisors today and see what we can do. Pray a little prayer for me. That everything goes well, and we can work something out.

So Big...

Last night Sugar Bean was sitting in her high chair and I was just watching my happy little baby as her feet swung back and forth. All of the sudden it hit me.....Her feet were touching the chair seat underneath her booster. Her long legs kicked and her feet tapped the chair. What happened to my tiny baby. She looked so big sitting there. Almost like........A TODDLER! (shudder). She also has started showing off at day care and standing completely unassisted. I don't think I can handle it. She seems to be growing up faster and faster. Didn't they say that development SLOWS as they get older?

She will be a year old on March the 16th. I absolutely cannot believe it has almost been a year since she joined our little family. I can remember the day I found out we were expecting her like it was yesterday. How grateful I was, how scared I still am every day wondering if I am making good choices for her. She is such a good baby. she sleeps incredibly well, she has an amazing temperament, everyone tells us how well behaved she is. I can't take even a little credit for any of it. She is just a blessing through and through.

I am torn between the baby I want to keep and the child I can't wait to experience. I think for now, at least as long as she is wearing footed jammies, and needs cuddles with her night time bottle, I will cling to my baby and take in every last minute. The clock is deffinitely ticking.

Rest....

as I previously mentioned, it has been an interesting week to say the least. I have shed a lot of tears, and by a lot, I mean more than the average person should. I admittedly am a crier though, so it has not been that shocking to Cugli. You know...the hormones and all.

Last night, while my hubby was at work, I snuggled into our bed and I just poured it out. I talked God's ear off. There is not a person I have encountered that did not get a little prayer intervention last night. I weeped, I shared, and I couldn't sleep until it was all out.

When I realized what time it was, Cugli was snuggling in next to me with his long arms around me as tightly as he could get them. He smelled of work and deodorant (his half hearted attempt at cleaning up before he gets into bed). He kissed the nape of my neck and stroked my hair as he fell asleep.

I felt like God just reached right out of heaven and wrapped his love around me in the form of my big warm man. I felt like it was God telling me..."rest. I will take it from here." So I did.

Heck of a week.......

To start out this week seemed great. Monday my office was closed and I got to spend the entire day with Cugli and SugarBean. We had a blast. Then Tuesday it began.

I started having some serious heart burn over the weekend which is incredibly rare for me. I didn't really think anything about it until Tuesday when I went home for lunch. I was standing in the kitchen and that acid was so bad I thought I might be sick, so I headed into the bathroom where I saw it. It had been there for a little while, but it was staring me in the face today. For some reason I noticed it in the cabinet, when I normally would have just pushed it aside in my mad dash for Pepcid Complete. It dawned on me that the last time I had heart burn I was pregnant with SugarBean. I thought, what the heck, the darn thing probably won't even work.

But it did.

I came back 2 minutes later to find two not one, but two pink lines. Yes, you guessed it. The test said pregnant. I am having a hard time saying it even now. But all 13 tests after that one agreed. I am infact pregnant.

We had planned to start trying for another baby at the end of this year. SugarBean took us 10 months to conceive, so we figured she would be well past two when the next baby arrived. Not so much. You see since it took us so long the first time, we were ... not as careful as we obviously should have been, but were were not careless by any means. I know tmi.

I am still so stunned it doesn't even sound right coming out of my mouth or even out on the web. I am in shock.

Then to add insult to injury our company laid off 30 employees today. Nothing like a secure job when you are apparently 4 weeks pregnant.

I go for bloodwork today, so wish me luck, Also, say a prayer for my friends that lost their livelyhoods today. They need it.

He hears me when I call.

So, I am a big fat whiner, but my God hears me even when I am being ridiculous. As mentioned in my last post, I am seriously struggling lately with the desire to stay home, the financial repercussions of that choice, and a job and house I hate. I posted my lament simply to get it off my chest. I didn't care if it made sense to anyone, I just needed to sort of talk it out.

The morning after I posted, an amazing thing happened. It started snowing. There is something refreshing about snow. The crisp air, the white ground. I love it. I am one of those crazies who loves it so much that I don't just want a little snow......I prefer blizzard like conditions. Lets just say, God provides. Not only did he offer me this beautiful sense of peace, I got two days home with my greatest gift ever. Sugar Bean.

We played and napped, and laid around our tiny house in our jammies. It was amazing how the house didn't feel as small as it usually does, or as dangerous as it has to me lately. It felt cozy, and comfortable. The whole two days felt so perfect. They felt like exactly what I needed.

I came back to work yesterday terrified of what I would find on my desk. I will admit, it was as bad as I thought it would be, but so much more manageable than it felt on Monday. I still cannot manage to get everything done that I need to. I still feel like a failure at work(not that this is anything new). But I now see the point.

I am working to make sure that my precious little gift is taken care of. I am blessed to ahve a job, though it may feel like a curse at times. We are lucky to own our home, even if it is in an interesting location. I talked it over with Cugli and we have a two year plan. I am going to remain working for 2 years and in that time we should be able to move, and hopefully expand our family. 2 years still feels like a long time, but at least it is finite. We have a plan.

I guess the mroal of the story is, even when I am being a big whiney baby, my God hears me. He knows my heart. He knows my desires and appreciations, even when I am not quite sure how to voice them. Though God is so great, he can be small enough to hear me.

Stuck...

Lately in my life I am fighting a terrible feeling. I wake up in the morning, go to work or to church, come home and life goes on. I want to preface all this with the fact that I am completely head over heals in love with my husband and daughter. They are truly the light in my world, but right now I feel like there is just not enough light in my day.

As I write this I am struggeling with immense guilt because I am completely aware of how blessed I am. I have a beautiful family that loves me, a job that is close to home, and a house to come home to, but I feel like I am just not moving forward.

In my job I literally walk in the door every single day just wondering what mistake I have made that will cause me grief. I sit down at my desk and fear my phone messages and emails. I have never felt this way before and I have no idea what to do about it. I would not call myself an over achiever in any way, but I try my absolute hardest to do a good job in anything I do. I just can't do this. I don't know if I am ill prepared, incompetent, or simply set up to fail, but I know deep down, I cannot do this job. There is no way to achieve success here. I have taken my concerns to the appropriate people, and still, I cannot do this job.

I am beginning to look much more deeply into WHY I can't get it . Maybe it is for the previously listed reasons, but maybe I just don't want to do it anymore. Cugli has a great job with good benifits, and at the end of the day I just want to be at home with my daughter. I want it so badly that I am tearing up just writing this. I would quit tomorrow, except I feel like I am being selfish.

We live currently in a VERY small 900 sq.ft. house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. The house was fine when it was just Cugli and I, but now it seems so small and I am starting more and more to notice issues with our neighborhoood. Like those very nice people who live next door in a PINK house, or the fact that late at night I can hear the base booming from a car 3 streets over, and the men walking up my street late at night with vcr's under their arms . This neighborhood never use to feel so unsafe. But now that I feel stuck I feel like things are falling apart around me.

I know that if I were to quit I would be delaying my family in our moving efforts SUBSTANTIALLY.

SO what do I do. Do I continue going to work at a job I hate, when my heart is at home with SugarBean, or do I keep doing what I am doing and remain miserable until we can afford a new house in a safer neighborhood for her.

I know I am being immensely selfish, but I just can't shake the depression. No matter what I do, or what choice I make I am facing another 2 years of misery at least. I just want someone to swoop in and make the choice for me. I wish my company would just take the step and lay me off. Because, as it stands I am slipping furthier and further into this emotional, sad place that I can't see a way out of.

I know I need to just suck it up or get some serious meds. Today has just been another day, stuck in the same limbo. I had to jsut get it out.