Stuck...

Lately in my life I am fighting a terrible feeling. I wake up in the morning, go to work or to church, come home and life goes on. I want to preface all this with the fact that I am completely head over heals in love with my husband and daughter. They are truly the light in my world, but right now I feel like there is just not enough light in my day.

As I write this I am struggeling with immense guilt because I am completely aware of how blessed I am. I have a beautiful family that loves me, a job that is close to home, and a house to come home to, but I feel like I am just not moving forward.

In my job I literally walk in the door every single day just wondering what mistake I have made that will cause me grief. I sit down at my desk and fear my phone messages and emails. I have never felt this way before and I have no idea what to do about it. I would not call myself an over achiever in any way, but I try my absolute hardest to do a good job in anything I do. I just can't do this. I don't know if I am ill prepared, incompetent, or simply set up to fail, but I know deep down, I cannot do this job. There is no way to achieve success here. I have taken my concerns to the appropriate people, and still, I cannot do this job.

I am beginning to look much more deeply into WHY I can't get it . Maybe it is for the previously listed reasons, but maybe I just don't want to do it anymore. Cugli has a great job with good benifits, and at the end of the day I just want to be at home with my daughter. I want it so badly that I am tearing up just writing this. I would quit tomorrow, except I feel like I am being selfish.

We live currently in a VERY small 900 sq.ft. house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. The house was fine when it was just Cugli and I, but now it seems so small and I am starting more and more to notice issues with our neighborhoood. Like those very nice people who live next door in a PINK house, or the fact that late at night I can hear the base booming from a car 3 streets over, and the men walking up my street late at night with vcr's under their arms . This neighborhood never use to feel so unsafe. But now that I feel stuck I feel like things are falling apart around me.

I know that if I were to quit I would be delaying my family in our moving efforts SUBSTANTIALLY.

SO what do I do. Do I continue going to work at a job I hate, when my heart is at home with SugarBean, or do I keep doing what I am doing and remain miserable until we can afford a new house in a safer neighborhood for her.

I know I am being immensely selfish, but I just can't shake the depression. No matter what I do, or what choice I make I am facing another 2 years of misery at least. I just want someone to swoop in and make the choice for me. I wish my company would just take the step and lay me off. Because, as it stands I am slipping furthier and further into this emotional, sad place that I can't see a way out of.

I know I need to just suck it up or get some serious meds. Today has just been another day, stuck in the same limbo. I had to jsut get it out.