Stuck...

Lately in my life I am fighting a terrible feeling. I wake up in the morning, go to work or to church, come home and life goes on. I want to preface all this with the fact that I am completely head over heals in love with my husband and daughter. They are truly the light in my world, but right now I feel like there is just not enough light in my day.

As I write this I am struggeling with immense guilt because I am completely aware of how blessed I am. I have a beautiful family that loves me, a job that is close to home, and a house to come home to, but I feel like I am just not moving forward.

In my job I literally walk in the door every single day just wondering what mistake I have made that will cause me grief. I sit down at my desk and fear my phone messages and emails. I have never felt this way before and I have no idea what to do about it. I would not call myself an over achiever in any way, but I try my absolute hardest to do a good job in anything I do. I just can't do this. I don't know if I am ill prepared, incompetent, or simply set up to fail, but I know deep down, I cannot do this job. There is no way to achieve success here. I have taken my concerns to the appropriate people, and still, I cannot do this job.

I am beginning to look much more deeply into WHY I can't get it . Maybe it is for the previously listed reasons, but maybe I just don't want to do it anymore. Cugli has a great job with good benifits, and at the end of the day I just want to be at home with my daughter. I want it so badly that I am tearing up just writing this. I would quit tomorrow, except I feel like I am being selfish.

We live currently in a VERY small 900 sq.ft. house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. The house was fine when it was just Cugli and I, but now it seems so small and I am starting more and more to notice issues with our neighborhoood. Like those very nice people who live next door in a PINK house, or the fact that late at night I can hear the base booming from a car 3 streets over, and the men walking up my street late at night with vcr's under their arms . This neighborhood never use to feel so unsafe. But now that I feel stuck I feel like things are falling apart around me.

I know that if I were to quit I would be delaying my family in our moving efforts SUBSTANTIALLY.

SO what do I do. Do I continue going to work at a job I hate, when my heart is at home with SugarBean, or do I keep doing what I am doing and remain miserable until we can afford a new house in a safer neighborhood for her.

I know I am being immensely selfish, but I just can't shake the depression. No matter what I do, or what choice I make I am facing another 2 years of misery at least. I just want someone to swoop in and make the choice for me. I wish my company would just take the step and lay me off. Because, as it stands I am slipping furthier and further into this emotional, sad place that I can't see a way out of.

I know I need to just suck it up or get some serious meds. Today has just been another day, stuck in the same limbo. I had to jsut get it out.

Shopping

This weekend Cugli and I decided to have date night. We went out to the St. Louis Galleria to have dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and to do a little clothes shopping. I of course headed strait for the Lane Bryant store. After seeing their winter catalog I was sure they would have a ton. Little did I know they too have succumbed to the tenting temptation so many plus sized stores fall victim to.

I just don't get it. Why do all these retail people look at a plus sized woman and go...."You know, what why don't we just throw a poncho on her". I tried on every top in the store, and with my broad shoulders I look like the circus has come to town.

So we downtroddenly left Lane Bryant and headed out toward the car when to my suprise I see a store with some bigger looking manaquines. Lets be honest those manaquines are a joke too, but that is another blog for another day. I was so excited to see that finally there might be another option for those of us with a more robust waist line, but much to my dismay you must also have a minimum of 5 facial piercijngs to shop in this store. There was at least one cute dress I found that will be nice for church, but c'mon people... checkered leggings or tents is no kind of option.

Haloween

Well, we made it through Sugar Bean's first Halloween. She was a giraffe, as I posted last time, but we had a few costume malfunctions. Our Primary issue, was that her giraffe nose was regularly obstructing her view. She would just sit there staring like nothing was wrong. I could just hear her internal monologue, "If I can't see maybe it will be over faster." But I thought it was cute. All the kids in the neighborhood loved our little growling giraffe. Cugli Dressed up with her as a zoo keeper/ safari guy. It was pretty cute. And, since I love pics.....

Just another pumpkin in the patch.

I see dead people. They took my left shoe.

Mommy says we are waiting for the great pumpkin, but how will I ever see him coming in this stupid hat.

The zoo keeper and his very tall giraffe.

Needless to say, we had a great Halloween. Now on to Thanksgiving. Somehow I have a feeling that angry relatives eating themselves into discomfort will not be nearly this cute.

Fashionable and Naked Giraffes love to cook with their Mommy....

Not too much is going on with us lately. I feel like we are incredibly busy, but when I look back at the week I am not sure what I have accomplished. So with there not being anything to blog about here are some pics of the newly chunky Sugar Bean. When she was born people would constantly ask me if I monitored her caloric intake because she was so thin. She still has the tendency, thank God, to be long and lean, but she has finally acquired some very cute, and over due baby rolls. Please excuse the gushing Mom but, isn't she beautiful?

Checking out the latest Jessica Simpson platform peep toes.

Trying out our new Halloween Costume. Hopefully we will actually convince her to wear the entire costume for Halloween. If not, a little belly never hurt anybody.

Baking Halloween Cookies. She liked the measuring spoons so much we now carry them in her diaper bag as a restaurant toy. People look at us like we are destitute, little do they know we are just keep our nicer toys/cooking utensils at home. lol

I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the fall weather. We sure are!

Hello world, It's me Miss Paranoid!

I have always been a very open person. I don't even blink when people ask about my personal life. I don't offer too much information unsolicited, but someone asks me a questions and I can't keep myself from making them uncomfortable with all the unnecessary information I give them about my personal life. I thought this blog would be a great place to relieve this self deprecating need to blurt out too much information, but I find myself being guarded here too.

While I am aware of a few people who read this that I know in my personal life, they are not people I would ever hesitate to blurt with. In fact, unfortunately for them, they are the very people I regularly blurt to. I often think to myself things I would like to say here, but I stall. I worry that I will be judged for my poor writing abilities, or for my openness. I don't fear that I will be disagreed with, In fact I check my comments all the time to get people's advice, and opposing opinions. I just worry that people will think less of me.

I think the answer plain and simple is paranoia. How do people do it? Is it that they know how amazing their writing skills are? Is it that they have confidence in there opinions? Do they know how hilarious they are? Or are they just jumping?

I am young and I hope that confidence comes in time, but I find myself praying less and less for confidence and more and more for the ability to jump without it.

I guess it is just all a part of the progress.

Must I forget?

Sunday my pastor spoke about how sometimes when you are having an issue with someone in your life God is trying to deal with you, not the other person. This message seemed to be written specifically for me. I have not talked about it much, but Cugli and I have serious issues with his side of the family. They are the kind of people who are always the victim. If they decide not to invite us to something, it is because I intimidate his step mother, or if they don't see Sugar bean enough, it is not because they would rather golf on the Saturdays we have free, it is because we won't make time for them, and don't want them included.

I am really struggling with this.

The Dave Ramsey Plan

Cugli and I are currently in the middle of a new budgeting plan. We just got really sick of feeling like we had no idea where all our money was going every month. Well.....I sort of had an inkling that the money might be hanging in Sugar Bean's closet, but I was not about to tell Cugli that. Regardless, we agreed to start out on our path to being debt free.

In the beginning I was resistant. I was completely content being a spendaholic, and maintaining several smaller monthly payments. However now I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We tallied up all our debt, excluding the house, set a time frame, and we are doing it. We expect to be debt free by September 2009(not including the house). It would be sooner, but we just bought a car this year, and it is going to take a little to pay that off. I guess the big news is, today I am officially out of credit card debt. I cut that puppy up and I feel great. It is amazing to me how good reaching such a small milestone feels. I felt more motivated than ever. And then.....I found.....This Site.

I think sugar needs a new pair of shoes.

OK, I admit it. My name is Liv, and I am a baby clothesaholic.